By: Jamie Collins
While attending a fabulous paralegal holiday luncheon last week, a rather interesting conversation sprang up at our table (a/k/a the “party table,” the place where fun legal peeps hang because that’s where we were – that’s why. A table which MAY or may not have won the singing contest with our festive whisper impressions, which would undoubtedly give Milli and Vanilli a run for their money.) I tell no lies, people. Anyway, one of the paralegals named Lottie, a friend of mine, said something about the idea of a paralegal person writing a “rolling resignation letter.” All I needed to hear were those three wickedly creative words and:
It. Was. On.
(Credit to Lottie for this brilliant idea. Credit to the fearless founder for writing this template with a little help from her friends.)
HERE IS YOUR TEMPLATE.
Name of Boss
Name of Legal Circus
City, State ZIP
RE: The start of the celebratory paralegal parade (woot woot)
Thank you for the opportunity to work alongside you all these years. It has been a truly wonderful experience. Sadly, I am writing today to tender my official letter of resignation to you. My tenure at the (select one of the following) legal office/law firm/legal circus/the firm/insane/asylum/inner rim of hell/outer rung of departed insanity/my legal home is coming to an end, due to the following reasons:
□ I have truly enjoyed working with you and very much value our relationship, but I am leaving for another opportunity.
□ It was fun while it lasted.
□ Because I love money and am being offered more of it to leave you.
□ I need 401k. (How else will I get to Hawaii?)
□ You are insane.
□ I am insane.
□ This place in insane.
□ (All of the above are true.)
□ Because the voices I hear calling my name told me to. Oh yeah… that was just YOU calling my name for the fourteen thousandth time in one day. (heh) So call me maybe. Just kidding – I’m out.
□ I. Am. Not. A. Psychic.
□ (No, seriously. I’m not.)
□ I have grown tired of locating the keys to your Beemer, your files, the remainder of your sanity, my sanity, random facts about cases, and the always missing piece of paper that is absolutely NOWHERE to be found, although it was super fun while it lasted.
□ While you are under the impression that I can ACTUALLY perform professional miracles on a daily basis (and some days, you’re right) that is NOT actually possible. Not really. But I may be in the running for an academy award under the category of “paralegal portraying miracles in the legal genre.” My chances are looking pretty good. Clear a spot on the mantel…It. Is. On.
□ This place has made me so C-R-A-Z-Y that I can HEAR colors.
□ I came to the realization that I am allergic to papyrus. (And maybe even lawyers.)
□ My stint as a paralegal ninja has taken me over the edge…of insanity, that is. There is no coming back from that.
□ I cannot dine with the General (as in General Tso), Papa (as in Papa Murphy) and especially not Jimmy (as in Jimmy John’s) one more day of my life on this planet. The lunch stand-off has officially come to an end.
□ Your “just real quick” projects have taken the last sliver of my soul.
□ While you are under the self-appointed delusion (ahem) belief that I can ACTUALLY bend space and time, it is not possible – no, not even for a savvy professional, such as myself. I know this comes as a complete surprise to you. Yes, I know how much you pay me. No, I cannot bend space and time. (Trust me, I’ve tried…)
□ There is a dark cloud looming among us (the innocent office dwellers) whom you refuse to reprimand and/or fire because…well, we have all NEVER actually figured out why. You may seriously want to ponder that one.
□ Because I don’t want to make you uncomfortable when I continuously roll my eyes (or sigh) at you. I have a condition. It’s called “esquire-induced-insanity.” It’s no joke. Eye rolling is a common side effect, as is the self-loathing sigh. I know, I couldn’t believe it either…
□ No coffee – no paralegal. But thank you for the opportunity to work in this under-caffeinated sector of the legal kingdom, until such time that I came to my senses and realized that coffee, tea or soda for a paralegal is not just a beverage – it is friggin’ jet fuel.
□ No office supplies – no paralegal. (No, seriously. Manila folders and good blue ink pens, please. And do they happen to have Godiva in that supply catalog?)
□ Sadly, your professionalism and/or manners leave a little something-something to be desired. Enough said.
□ My co-workers are evil.
□ You are evil.
□ I am running off to join the circus. No, seriously. I’m leaving the legal circus to join the real one with several years of experience under my belt.
□ I received an e-mail/phone call/private message from a paralegal poacher. In this fun scenario, I’m the paralegal. He is the poacher. You are now the former boss. Move on over – it’s upward and onward for this paralegal…I’m out.
□ The internal wounds from falling on my sword in your honor have become far too much to bear.
□ You are losing it.
□ I am losing it.
□ This entire place is losing it.
□ There has been a break down in the attorney-paralegal relationship.
□ Because I must go on vacation. Yes, vacation. I know you have no idea what I’m referring to right now, but that’s where I actually LEAVE the office….and you have to find things for yourself (you know, the Beemer keys, pieces of paper, and your sanity.) I. Am. Out.
□ In the words of Cheech and Chong, “I cannot understand the words coming out of your mouth right now…”
□ As a consequence of your refusal (intentional, overtly or otherwise) to return my incredibly important telephone calls or e-mails requesting additional information or details regarding YOUR incredibly important work or projects, which are being sent from me TO YOU in an attempt to comply with YOUR super urgent work requests – I am out.
□ I have legal amnesia. (Who are you again?)
□ Because it is 5:25 p.m.
□ (On a Friday)
□ (And I have a life.)
□ This round of Paralegal Evading Esquire Hide-And-Go-Seek just became permanent.
□ I am on my way to the bar serving margaritas and chocolate martinis down the street. (Holla)
□ I am on my way to Waikiki. (Double holla)
□ This paralegal is officially over (it) and out.
□ Because I want to see how you manage once I’m gone. (The film crew is en route…Believe. It. I may become a millionaire. Legal reality television at its darkest hour. Start the tape…)
□ Sh*t just got real.
□ [Insert your own reason here. The list is endless. No, seriously…endless.]
Wishing you an absolutely fab-u-lous day in the legal trenches, my fellow colleagues in arms. We’re hoping you don’t actually need to tender the list above (or any part thereof) to your boss today. But if you feel so inclined, feel free to print that baby off and check away, until your soul is content and your sanity returns. Just tuck it away in the desk drawer for those days when you need a twinge of humor to teeter back to the brink.
Keep it happy. Keep it proud. Keep it real.
(We sure did.)
And feel free to add to today’s list. Consider it free paralegal therapy from us to you…and from you to others, if you share it with your friends. We sure LOVE it when you do!