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By: Jamie Collins
It’s time for “a little paralegal humor!” For those of you who aren’t familiar with this particular series, this is where I (the crazy blogger person) check out the random search terms that land people on our blog, and attempt to answer those search terms publicly in a blog post. You never know what you’re going to get, although we certainly hope it accompanies a good laugh.
Well what are you waiting on? Get to reading!
Paralegal will work for cake
In four words:
You.
Better.
Believe.
It.
I may even break the land/speed record on the completion of a particular task if you tempt me with a bag of Haribo gummy bears, gourmet cupcake, high-quality chocolate bar or any other gourmet treat. Although, I must add that would be in addition to my big-time-paralegal-ninja moolah, not instead of it. Or is it?
There are certainly days where if you approached me in the hallway after a long stretch in the legal (trenches of hell)…I mean gauntlet, (I just said that one aloud, didn’t I?) with an item of sugary happiness, topped with butter-cream frosting in lieu of my potential car payment allotment for the month, I might actually change my stance on this whole money v. butter-cream thing.
On second thought, let’s keep the car. It can transport me to the nearest gourmet cupcake shop…and AWAY from the land of legal.
(Yes, to the cupcake.)
In closing, butter cream = yes.
_____
Overworked paralegal
[*Imagine your photo here*]
Do I look like I’m joking?
Moving on…
_____
Paralegal as executor
Nothing like a good ole play on words. Now, I’m pretty darn sure I know what how you meant for this to be interpreted – like the executor of a will or something. Fair enough. But where’s the fun in that? I’d prefer to pretend someone out there is actually looking for a paralegal executor, as in close kin to an executioner. It just has a fun ring to it, doesn’t it? Don’t believe me? Do you have a Dark Cloud a/k/a Keeper of the Misery to deal with in your work world? Bring in the paralegal executor. (See how fun this just got? I see a new reality T.V. show concept in the making.)
Keep compiling that mental list. The day could arrive, people. Run out and get yourself a little black book, a long, black cape and one of those reaper-style weapons from The Hunger Games.
It. Is. On.
_____
Does paralegal work suck?
Sometimes.
Some days.
Some ways.
(We tell no lies.)
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Paralegal myth
It appears my favorite search term has just arrived!
Please note that any and all of the following can and should be construed as paralegal myths from this day forward, pursuant to the blogging powers of the legal universe:
Myth Number One: →I will never approach you with a last minute project. ←
(ha ha ha. Sorry, I just about busted a seam in my black dress pants upon the utterance of that one…)
Did I forget to put “daily” at the end of that one?
I did, didn’t I?
→ DAILY ←
(if not sooner)
(or within seconds)
Don’t bother to pretend this won’t happen. Is that footsteps I hear coming down the hallway??? (You may want to strongly consider ducking beneath your desk into hiding or come to the immediate realization that this was a myth – it was only a myth – had the phrase uttered actually been true, the esquired would not now be relentlessly stalking you for said less than important project. And you would not be hiding beneath your desk right now.)
Myth Number Two: → You will never have to eat lunch at your desk. ←
Ba ha ha. Just keep in mind the following: the pizza delivery guy, Jimmy (as in John’s) and the General (as in Tso). Three fellas you will learn to know well, if you don’t know them by first, middle, and last name already.
Buy yourself some paper plates. And immediately seek counseling.
You + lunch at your desk = yes.
Myth Number Three: → “I don’t need this right away.” ←
Has this EVER actually been true? Well, has it? Okay maybe once back in 2002. Or perhaps I have legal amnesia.
Nope – it’s never true. In the words of Taylor Swift, your boss is “never, ever, ever” going to actually mean this if he says it. Do the work. Do it soon. Do not argue about the timing when he approaches you with myths uttered in the sweet songstress voice of Taylor Swift. Remember, this is a myth.
Taylor doesn’t work here. An attorney does.
He needs his work.
Now.
Myth Number Four: → A paralegals is okay with an attorney referring to him or her as “my secretary” to another living, breathing human being on the telephone, in person, in a meeting, in a state of insanity…or ever again on this planet. ←
Heed my words. Let’s hang our heads in a moment of silence in honor or those miscategorized souls. (And we love legal secretaries. Believe me.) But if your paralegal is a paralegal, she would like you to call her “a paralegal.” On the phone. In person. In a car. In a meeting. On a bus. In an expensive café when you’re buying her lunch. At the gourmet cupcake shop. In White House Black Market during an all-inclusive shopping trip on the wallet of the esquire. In a state of mental lapse. In a state of personal paralegal hiding. He or she is, shall be, and will remain “a paralegal.” (Until she hits the white sands on that beach in Waikiki on a one-way ticket to the retirement village.)
That is all.
This myth list could go on and on. Heck, feel free to post a comment and give it a whirl! We’re on Myth Number Five, people. Harness the brilliance. Think. Type. Post.
We’re all in…
_____
Wishing you an absolutely fabulous, adventure-filled day in the land of legal, my friends. May you take down every deadline, avert every crisis, and tactfully execute the legal needs of every esquire who crosses your path today. And forevermore.
Godspeed. And good luck.
The Paralegal Society™ 
Except for the cake I relate to all of them! Especially the last minute project and lunch ones!
Love it, :-).
Great installment of paralegal humor, Jamie!
Here’s a paralegal myth: On casual Friday, paralegals can definitely dress…. well, casually. Because no clients are scheduled for meetings on that day. So there is NO chance in hell that one might drop by, unannounced. Yeah, right! Typically the level of casualness of said paralegal has an inverse relationship to the importance of the client – if he or she happens to be wearing actual blue jeans or something equally unprofessional because the firm will be closing early to attend a sporting event, you can bet your sweet bippy the firm’s LARGEST client will decide to pay a visit.
Another great myth: The paralegal profession is simply teeming with high-paying jobs, for one and all. Regardless of real-world legal experience. Why, numerous articles say it is true, so it must be!
Or how about this one: There will be no overtime required, ever. You should always be able to complete your assigned projects in that 40 hours per week. (I have had employers actually say this during job interviews – baaa haa haa!) I have found myself thinking, as I sit at my desk on the weekend, WOW – it surely is good I have no overtime! This is so much more fun! 🙂
I’ve had the clients drop in on me unexpectedly too many times to count. However most of them don’t seem to mind if I’m wearing blue jeans on Friday (which I am, lol). I always make sure I’m wearing a shirt with a collar with them. At least it’s not short shorts & a halter top! 🙂
OMG, that last is what my co-worker is wearing right now. With flip flops. And we have a will signing today. Not kidding!
Never eat lunch at my desk? Please that’s about the ONLY place I wind up eating. Usually breakfast AND lunch! :-). Jamie, I love these things!
Breakfast, lunch AND dinner on most of the nights during the busy season. Can someone give a definition of the “not-busy” or “not-so-busy” season? 🙂
Love this! The best paralegal myth I can think of is the “I can’t find __________ (insert whatever it is the esquire can’t locate) and I need it now!” We actually call my esquire’s desk “The Black Hole.” He can never find anything, even if it is in the file. So, paralegal to the rescue, no matter what deadlines there are, what appellant brief, correspondence, court paper MSJ, or whatever I’m working on, I wave my “magic wand” and the documents appear.
I had a situation where my attorney misplaced a client’s file in his office and then the client told me “I thought the secretary knows where everything is”, nope sorry, especially when I’m not the secretary and my boss had it hidden on his bookshelf.
Another myth: technology never fails…especially at the eleventh hour or on Friday’s afternoon.
Another paralegal myth and I get this one a lot. This will only take you a minute.
Oh, Dannye – that one should be #1. It can be paired with “it shouldn’t take you more than 30 minutes.”
Did someone say buttercream????
When you hear this will only take a minute, plan on an hour
As I sit at my desk with a cupcake……. LOL
Lunch at your desk? What is this you speak of? During the first three years as Paralegal/Office Manager, I was never able to break for lunch. (It was a small office, no time clocks to punch.) I made sure my secretary, his secretary and the bookkeeper had their time, but I was entirely too busy. Mid day meals would put me to sleep anyway. Until one day….. I had a lunch date with a gentleman who provided business for my boss and he was also the man I was dating. This luncheon was planned well in advance, was on all the books, everyone knew where I would be and my cell was with me. Although one hour turned into three, I was more than justified.. (we never left the restaurant and cell was always on…Get That Picture out of your heads.) I felt, for all the lunches I missed. Upon my return to the office, my employer, who was M.I.A. most of the time, was there to greet me and was livid.. lol.. I must say I enjoyed how upset he was. Red faced, veins popping, etc. Not to worry.. we had a great relationship, no fear of being canned. After that however, I made sure I was out of the office for an hour every day. Yes…I was running errands, banking and such for the office, but not only did it revive me every day to walk around the town and be seen, but also I saw that I was appreciated more and taken less for granted. Additionally, it brought him into the office before noon most days, something that didn’t occur before this except when absolutely necessary prior to his appearing in court. Received an $8,000.00 bonus that year just prior to Black Friday. With Black Friday off too. Fun times.
Myth: Most clients are grateful.
Yeah. I remember all three (3) of them in the past 13 years.