By: Jamie Collins
It’s time for “a little paralegal humor!” For those of you who aren’t familiar with this particular series, this is where I (the crazy blogger person) check out the random search terms that land people on our blog, and attempt to answer those search terms publicly in a blog post. You never know what you’re going to get, although we certainly hope it accompanies a good laugh.
Well what are you waiting on? Get to reading!
Paralegal will work for cake
In four words:
I may even break the land/speed record on the completion of a particular task if you tempt me with a bag of Haribo gummy bears, gourmet cupcake, high-quality chocolate bar or any other gourmet treat. Although, I must add that would be in addition to my big-time-paralegal-ninja moolah, not instead of it. Or is it?
There are certainly days where if you approached me in the hallway after a long stretch in the legal (trenches of hell)…I mean gauntlet, (I just said that one aloud, didn’t I?) with an item of sugary happiness, topped with butter-cream frosting in lieu of my potential car payment allotment for the month, I might actually change my stance on this whole money v. butter-cream thing.
On second thought, let’s keep the car. It can transport me to the nearest gourmet cupcake shop…and AWAY from the land of legal.
(Yes, to the cupcake.)
In closing, butter cream = yes.
[*Imagine your photo here*]
Do I look like I’m joking?
Paralegal as executor
Nothing like a good ole play on words. Now, I’m pretty darn sure I know what how you meant for this to be interpreted – like the executor of a will or something. Fair enough. But where’s the fun in that? I’d prefer to pretend someone out there is actually looking for a paralegal executor, as in close kin to an executioner. It just has a fun ring to it, doesn’t it? Don’t believe me? Do you have a Dark Cloud a/k/a Keeper of the Misery to deal with in your work world? Bring in the paralegal executor. (See how fun this just got? I see a new reality T.V. show concept in the making.)
Keep compiling that mental list. The day could arrive, people. Run out and get yourself a little black book, a long, black cape and one of those reaper-style weapons from The Hunger Games.
It. Is. On.
Does paralegal work suck?
(We tell no lies.)
It appears my favorite search term has just arrived!
Please note that any and all of the following can and should be construed as paralegal myths from this day forward, pursuant to the blogging powers of the legal universe:
Myth Number One: →I will never approach you with a last minute project. ←
(ha ha ha. Sorry, I just about busted a seam in my black dress pants upon the utterance of that one…)
Did I forget to put “daily” at the end of that one?
I did, didn’t I?
→ DAILY ←
(if not sooner)
(or within seconds)
Don’t bother to pretend this won’t happen. Is that footsteps I hear coming down the hallway??? (You may want to strongly consider ducking beneath your desk into hiding or come to the immediate realization that this was a myth – it was only a myth – had the phrase uttered actually been true, the esquired would not now be relentlessly stalking you for said less than important project. And you would not be hiding beneath your desk right now.)
Myth Number Two: → You will never have to eat lunch at your desk. ←
Ba ha ha. Just keep in mind the following: the pizza delivery guy, Jimmy (as in John’s) and the General (as in Tso). Three fellas you will learn to know well, if you don’t know them by first, middle, and last name already.
Buy yourself some paper plates. And immediately seek counseling.
You + lunch at your desk = yes.
Myth Number Three: → “I don’t need this right away.” ←
Has this EVER actually been true? Well, has it? Okay maybe once back in 2002. Or perhaps I have legal amnesia.
Nope – it’s never true. In the words of Taylor Swift, your boss is “never, ever, ever” going to actually mean this if he says it. Do the work. Do it soon. Do not argue about the timing when he approaches you with myths uttered in the sweet songstress voice of Taylor Swift. Remember, this is a myth.
Taylor doesn’t work here. An attorney does.
He needs his work.
Myth Number Four: → A paralegals is okay with an attorney referring to him or her as “my secretary” to another living, breathing human being on the telephone, in person, in a meeting, in a state of insanity…or ever again on this planet. ←
Heed my words. Let’s hang our heads in a moment of silence in honor or those miscategorized souls. (And we love legal secretaries. Believe me.) But if your paralegal is a paralegal, she would like you to call her “a paralegal.” On the phone. In person. In a car. In a meeting. On a bus. In an expensive café when you’re buying her lunch. At the gourmet cupcake shop. In White House Black Market during an all-inclusive shopping trip on the wallet of the esquire. In a state of mental lapse. In a state of personal paralegal hiding. He or she is, shall be, and will remain “a paralegal.” (Until she hits the white sands on that beach in Waikiki on a one-way ticket to the retirement village.)
That is all.
This myth list could go on and on. Heck, feel free to post a comment and give it a whirl! We’re on Myth Number Five, people. Harness the brilliance. Think. Type. Post.
We’re all in…
Wishing you an absolutely fabulous, adventure-filled day in the land of legal, my friends. May you take down every deadline, avert every crisis, and tactfully execute the legal needs of every esquire who crosses your path today. And forevermore.
Godspeed. And good luck.