By: Jamie Collins
It’s time to take a big step away from that desk, TPS readers. While you’re at it, take a big sip of that fabulous beverage sitting desk-side, too. I finally decided to shake the dust off the TPS founder’s funny maker in your honor. For those of you who aren’t familiar with this particular series, this is where I (the crazy blogger person) check out the random search terms that land people on our blog, and attempt to answer those search terms publicly in a blog post. In recent times, I’ve also become a master-iPhone-photography-extraordinaire, so you never know what you’ll get, when you enter one of our paralegal humor posts.
Well what are you waiting on? Get to reading!
My Sincerest Regards to the Supply Goddess Orderer Extraordinaire.
(Okay, not really. I’m at a total loss here.)
What is pictured above, you ask? In the words of my dear friend Lottie – a whole “crapton” of dinner napkins – that’s what. (You can’t blame me for feeling compelled to label things in an accurate fashion, folks.) Now, I want to ask you a question, and this is NOT a trick question, I can assure you. In the event the supply goddess at your law firm approached you and said you could order any ONE office supply item in (an unbelievably, ridiculously, unfathomable, endless) bulk, what item would you choose?
(This is where I instantaneously become a mind reader and tell you what you thought of…Ready, go.)
Post It Notes
Blue Ink Pens – the GOOD kind
An array of highlighters in a rainbow assortment of colors
Godiva chocolate bars
Endless supplies of caffeinated beverages
Binder clips in ALL three sizes (small, medium AND large – seriously, let’s get it together)
Staplers that don’t jam
Black Tie Cheesecake from the Olive Garden
New office chairs
A shank or twenty
Escape passes from legal Alcatraz
Okay, okay, whether I actually got your response right or not is beside the point. The main point is that no one (on this earth) (quite literally) selected “a crapton of dinner napkins” for a firm of 6 people. Nope – Not a one. But if you need a dinner napkin, now you’ll certainly know where to find one…thousand…or so.
(Insert paralegal banging head down on desk here) (Repeatedly)
(Then wiping brow with a dinner napkin x 30,000 – quite literally)
In Two words:
I’m pretty sure your jeep cover is broken, buddy. Just sayin’. I did have to chuckle when I saw this departing my office the other night. I mean, after all, I am a master iPhone photographer at this point. Out of my handbag that iPhone comes, car window rolled down, as I embark upon my crusade as a picture taking fool. With each new snap of the frame, I earn my credentials, whether it is in law firm surroundings or a concrete covered parking lot; I’m on it. Perhaps what was even funnier was the fact the guy (or gal, although I’m pretty sure it’s a guy) brought tether cords into work with him the very next day to attempt to rectify the problem.
Score one for the clever person with a jeep, now complete with a cover that actually covers said jeep in an appropriate fashion. We’re giving you an A+ for initiative and follow through on this one.
Self Help Paralegal
Um, I’m pretty darn sure that’s all of ‘em. Yep, every last one. We guaran-dang-tee ya. If you need help in the land of legal you help yourself, unless of course, you are an attorney, in which case you should immediately call your paralegal to spin his or her magic, solve the crisis, diffuse that deadline, and save your…um, day.
Please note this “self-help” also applies to any chocolates that may be located anywhere within the confines of one’s immediate vicinity as a dedicated keeper of the crazy. Grab. It. Immediately. (And hide it in your desk drawer for later.)
I knew I made it in the paralegal world the day I was able to shoot spider webs from my fingertips and crawl up the walls onto the ceiling to enter into a state of hiding from the esquire on a bad day. (Oh yeah, I was hovering between a dream and a nightmare on that one.) If you need help, I’ll be perched at my desk with a chocolate bar, waiting to make your legal wishes come true in an extraordinary fashion, typically between the dashing hours of 9:00 a.m. and 5:30 p.m.
At 5:31 p.m. or any subsequent moment thereafter – please refer your esquired-self to “self-help.” See definition featured below:
noun \ˈself-ˈhelp; Southern also ˈhep\
: the action or process of doing things to improve yourself or to solve your problems without the help of others. (Please note this word “others” would include your paralegal after 5:31 p.m., on most days, unless there is a trial or an important closing. Self = YOU. Help = yourself immediately. Ready, go).
(For anyone who is taking me entirely seriously on this one, you clearly have not seen me in the office until 11:45 p.m. on the day a summary judgment brief is due. But let’s all pretend it’s 5:31 p.m. or sudden death on the part of the paralegal, shall we?)
Oh my. I can’t stop laughing at this one and I haven’t even typed it yet. This one’s a search term. Okay, here goes:
My bosses wife works with us help
Ha ha. A few things strike me about this particular search term. First off, the fact that you are on a Google search engine searching for help on this particular situation is both hysterical and sad, all at the same time. I do feel bad, yet, I’m still laughing as I carefully ponder my response to this incredibly crippling paralegal demise.
I cannot say have ever worked the bosses’ wife, although I’ve certainly dealt with my fair share of the Dark Clouds a/k/a “Keepers of the Misery,” (those who suck one’s soul, cleverly disguised as law firm employees), during my extensive stint working in the legal mines. In all seriousness, if the situation isn’t good, find your way out of it. Let’s focus our energies on asking Google for a new job.
This can only play out in one of three scenarios: (1) You remain there and continue to seek counseling in the form of random Google searches, which may or may not work out for you, although it’s clearly your lucky day on this particular blog. (2) You divorce your job and find a new place of employment that doesn’t employ the non-stable spouses of esquires. (3) Your boss divorces his wife, rectifying this situation completely, although of the three options, this is a highly unlikely and untimely solution. Your choice.
Our thoughts? RUN! Lace up those high heels or slippery-soled oxfords and get the heck out of there.
Just to recap: Google + New Job = You
How do paralegal help attorneys
I’ve gotta say this is a fair question. I realize most non-legal peeps have not a clue what we actually do in the land of deadlines and papyrus. In short, let me sum it up for you: We provide all of the following services, including but not limited to a makeshift role as being any one (or all) of the following on an interchangeable, second-by-second basis: the scheduler, mind reader, phone call screener, gate keeper, supply orderer (or the one calling out the individual in the firm who orders craptons of dinner napkins in lieu of ACTUAL office supplies), faxer, scanner, e-mail reader, message taker, sanity coordinator, paper shuffler, lady or man falling on the sword, client liaison, work keeper, lunch orderer, desk or office organizer, technology trouble shooter, bringer-of-anything-you-ring-her-for, hand holder, legal document crafter, strategy consultant, billboard/letterhead/advertisement designer, deadline diffuser, keeper of the sanity, keeper of the crazy, keeper of the papyrus, keeper of the esquires, and legal tactical assault ninja…with a smile.
This is typically the part of my response where I would state, “That is all.” But this is so FAR from being “all” – we’ve just barely scratched the surface here.
We are magic makers. We ride unicorns.
That is all.
Okay, back to the jeep guy featured above.
A torrential downpour just began, while I was in midst of typing this blog post. (Mind you, it was scheduled to rain for the next 3-4 days consecutively in Indianapolis, where me and this jeep both live.) My initial thought was “Godspeed on this whole canvas covering up your jeep thing actually working in your favor.” But then I decided to do what any good blogger would do, and began to snap more pictures from my fifth story office window.
In Five words:
Jeep With Mini Hot Tubs
In three more words:
You still lose.
As a side note, your A+ has been downgraded to an F. But I sure wish I could see you attempt to remove that water latent cover from your jeep this evening. I’ll be standing window-side in the historic event that actually happens on my watch, people. I may win a Pulitzer.
And to the jeep owner: If you should happen to need any dinner napkins to dry out that jeep or its incredibly ingenious cover, I’ll sell ‘em to you for the bargain price of a buck a piece – a whole crapton at your immediate disposal. Meet me on the 5th floor, with cash in hand, and smile for the picture when the elevator door opens. (Click).
Thank you, kind citizen of the legal sector.
I am quite aware that you probably have no freaking clue what it is you’re looking at in the picture above. I’d just like to say a warm (half-hearted and utterly amazed) thank you to the individual at my law firm who so thoughtfully left this Ziploc bag (seemingly complete with a few taco bits remaining) behind for anyone who may come across it and find herself in need of a used sandwich bag. It was an incredibly kind gesture. Also, an incredibly ridiculous one, which is why your generosity is now being featured prominently in this blog post. Congratulations!
Score one for the paralegal with the iPhone camera, a used sandwich bag, and very little sanity.
To all of the readers of our blog – if you need me, I’ll be covertly stepping down corridors, inconspicuously into rooms, and whipping out my iPhone at random to obtain highly-coveted material for future blog posts, in addition to crafting a custom fort, complete with makeshift bed and pillow within the confines of my office, comprised entirely of dinner napkins and scotch tape.
(That is officially all.)
If you enjoyed today’s humor post, please share it. (It only serves to further fuel my candid craziness.) And if you have any funny pictures, feel free to send ‘em our way at: firstname.lastname@example.org. They must be original photos and cannot contain any confidential information if work-related. You never know, we may use them in a future “paralegal humor” post!
Wishing you an absolutely humor-filled day with lots of caffeine and very little stress. Make it a great one.