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By: Jamie Collins
Happy New Year, TPS Nation! Hope yours is off to a raging start in comparison to mine. Below is a private message exchange that took place between a friend and I, on Facebook, on that blessed holiday otherwise known as New Year’s Day.
Me: How sick do I feel? Let’s see…so sick I actually skipped the freaking chocolate fondue course at last evening’s festivities. I might die. Just sayin’ — I freaking passed on CHOCOLATE, I tell you. Death is near.
The room is spinning.
Lottie: LOL – sorry you are sick, but you are still way too funny for your own good.
Me: Although a fever does not appear to have overridden the creative circuits in my brain. Ahem. Perhaps I should write the next humor post from my deathbed.
…I am incoherent. They will think I typed my blog post on vodka.
Without further ado, here’s your next Paralegal Humor Post (…which was not typed while drinking vodka, I swear.)
THIS IS WHAT A CAREER LOOKS LIKE, PEOPLE!
Everything your elementary school teacher told you about having a bright, prosperous career at a place you’d rather be at, instead of being at home, was a lie! (Okay, not really). Amazing how the chains seem to feel a little looser on Friday, don’t you think?
She came in like a WRECKING ball …. just maintain that attitude for the rest of the day and you’ll do just fine, people. (Perhaps, at this point, I should actually be CLAIMING the vodka drinking while writing. Heh)
THE CHRISTMAS/HOLIDAY SLUMBER
Is it just me, or have you felt like this for the past week or so? Holidays – whew. Fabulous, but exhausting. Just add in a sore throat and general feeling of lethargy (check, check), throw in a red sweater and antlers, and I’m there.
This is an illustration of what happens when Jamie actually attends a training session for the firm’s new copier, complete with Bob, the copier sales guy standing in the wings, when I come up with a clever idea, such as this. While I have certainly noticed the “language” button in days passed while standing before the duplicator of vengeance, I (for one) would never be brave enough to actually attempt to play around with this particular feature for fear that I would not be able to translate the thing back into English, once I have satisfied my curious urge to be devious. However, when I happen to notice this button and am assured that Bob the copier guy will be able to undo anything I attempt to do using said “language” button:
It. Is. On.
One of the things I’m looking most forward to in the new year? THIS. My office is within an earshot of the copy room. (You can only imagine how funny this will sound to an eavesdropping paralegal’s ears from afar, but not too far to enjoy it). Depending on how nice a particular attorney in the office has been on a particular day when this foreign language screen appears, will determine whether I may or may not know how to convert said copier back into a language he can actually comprehend.
THE PERPETUAL PARALEGAL-TO-ATTORNEY TO-DO LIST
Please print this one off for your door immediately. That is all.
WELCOME TO THE LAND OF PARALEGAL ZEN
Otherwise know as “Jamie’s office.” A tranquil and happy place – let me count the ways: (1) Small tank of fake, illuminated, quite-realistic jelly fish one can watch light up and float around until the tranquility sets in to soothe one’s weary soul; (2) A Sand Garden, complete with rocks, 2 rakes, and some fake birds, for one to rake the stress of the day away. (Perhaps this explains why there is always someone standing in my office raking like hell. Just sayin’). (3) Colorful artwork in lovely shades of bright blue and soothing yellow. Yes, the happy colors. Not like I need to explain the importance of pro-actively infusing one’s space with happy colors and artwork to keep the crazy at bay. I am feeling bright and vibrant already. Just bring it. (4) A television, with cable – this does not happen most places, I am aware. Although this electronic perk is typically only enjoyed at 4:00 p.m., each day when Dr. Phil begins, and into the evening news, unless there is breaking news, in which case this electronic perk is on all day long. (5) A handprint plaque in a bright shade of blue paint to remind one why one works at all – yet again, infusing one’s space with vibrant happiness.
Into happiness and tranquility I go…until I hear that next esquired voice bellowing down the hallway or through my phone speaker. The land of paralegal zen.
Feel free to visit sometime. I’ll save you a rake.
THE PARALEGAL MANTRA
No additional words needed.
THE ‘BLANK’ MEETING
Now, I should probably explain that I love to take notes. This is how I managed to make it through my entire college career thus far without reading nary a textbook. (Although, I did do a lot of skimming, highlighting, and took mad notes.) If the instructor spoke, I wrote. This has carried over into my professional life. If a webinar presenter speaks, I write. If I attend an association meeting, I write. If someone tells me something I’ll likely need to remember, I write. If something important is said during a meeting, I write.
Let’s go ahead and take another look at that notepad above.
I got NOTHING.
Let’s never do that again.
LAYLA IN CHAINS – CLOSE KIN TO ME AND YOU ON A WORK DAY.
If every request, task, demand, and project came your way in the form of a linky-do (Gavin just informed me these are actually called “flexies,” but I prefer the term “linky-do”), this is what you and I would look like at the end of any given day. You with me here? You would be dragging them along behind you, as you plant your high heels into the concrete for leverage and plod your way to the car.
Kind of brings new meaning to the word “link love,” doesn’t it? (Just throwing that one in for good measure, IT/litigation support peeps).
WTF Button – A Must Have for All Legal Folk
Most brilliant idea ever? Quite possibly. I have but one question – WTF don’t we already have one of these???
And NOW – for the Number One reason Jamie should NOT be blogging while cloaked in illness? Because she goes back in to write really funny things, somehow manages not to save the post, and has to start ALL over. Yes, indeed. It happened.
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Till then, bob and weave through those legal chains, ride that wrecking ball, plant those high heels or slippery soled oxfords firmly into that carpeted legal track, and have an absolutely fantastic weekend outside of the legal gates!
We’ll see you Monday.
Bob here: Feel better my friend
Anne Wirth said:
Sick or not, you crack me up! I can totally relate to all of the above!
The Paralegal Society said:
No “Grey Goose” was harmed during the writing of this blog post.
1. Please, please, please tell me the wrecking ball is a Miley reference.
2. Us IT/Litigation Suppprt folks have a “WTF” button! It just looks more like “ESC” or “CTRL + ALT + DEL”.
3. (“I may look calm, but in my head I’ve killed you three times.”). My co-worker is amazing at telling an esq. (or anyone else for that matter) where to go and somehow does it in such a way that he or she is looking forward to the trip!
Hope you feel better, Jamie!
Amy Bowser-Rollins (@LitSuppGuru) said:
Wow, now there’s a Jamie brain dump if ever I saw one. Crazy!
Lori Crable said:
Oh, Jamie, I’m so sorry you’ve been sick! If you passed on chocolate, it must be bad! Hope you feel much better very soon. I guess the one comfort is that you’re hilarious even when you’re sick (so long as you don’t forget to save) — I was laughing and nodding my head through the entire post!
LOVIIIING the things paralegals say poster!
Pam Shropshire said:
LOL at the things paralegals say AND emailed it to my boss.
Eric Bleuel said:
I’m not sure why I thought the blank notepad was so funny but I’m still laughing about it.
I needed this post today. Thanks.
Happy New Year and I hope you’re feeling better!!
Janna W said:
Once again, even when you may not feel like it, Jamie you are at the top of your game! Loved this post and have shared it with others in my office. Wish we had a language button on our copier, I could have so much fun! And how – really how – did you convince the powers to be to equip you with a TV and cable – you must be the great negotiator as well!
I am writing this on 1/6 and I certainly hope you are staying home in bed today under a layer of very thick blankets with a fire raging close by. Stay warm and stay safe, we need and count on you!