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By: Jamie Collins
(Blogger & Photography Extraordinaire)

Welcome back to another fun edition of our “A Little Paralegal Humor” series, complete with photos! While we thoroughly enjoy responding to the queries made by random internet searchers, we felt inclined to include some photographs with this edition, to appeal to the visual senses of our super cool readers. These photos may or may not all have been strategically extricated from the fearless Founder’s iPhone. Ask us no questions, and we’ll tell you no lies.

Well, don’t let us stop you. Get to scrolling!

MELTING KEY SYNDROME

A mysterious, keyboard melting phenomenon caused when a paralegal’s weary fingers have pushed a particular key upon one’s ridiculously overused keyboard FAR too many times. Goodbye “E” “S” and “D” keys. May you rest in peace. (Right along with my sanity). And may this paralegal rest in peace, too.

When it gets to the point they actually begin to warp and melt with one’s finger heat, leaving them grotesquely indented, perhaps we’ll need to discuss that one-way ticket to Hawaii. Or at a far less thrilling minimum – a new keyboard. Just sayin’.

Warning to Newbies: This is why you must memorize the keyboard. We are not joking. You better get it done before they disappear. With every key you push, you are one step closer to losing both, key labels, and your sanity. Godspeed.

NOT. EVEN. COOL.

So your boss thinks you’re a mind reader? A miracle worker? A world class crisis diffusing ninja? What’s the big freakin’ deal, people? The fearless TPS founder apparently thinks she can pretend I’m a bumblebee. Floating like a bumblebee and stinging like a bee, eh? I’m pretty sure you’re getting the better end of the deal, Kreskin.

REVENGE

This is what happens when you pretend you can dress the fearless, highly- respected TPS dog as a bumblebee for Halloween and get away with it.

So. Not. Happening.

(May that toy basket rest in peace, lady.) It. Is. On.

A FREAKING WARNING

This is what will happen to you if you push a senior paralegal’s buttons one too many times, people. We are kind. We are patient. We are mature. We do not put the Dark Clouds a/k/a Keepers of the Misery in line every single time they offend us, as we are too busy doing work and actually being a positive, productive member of a legal team that pays us good money to do so. But make a note — this is what may happen if you ever find yourself standing on my office veranda following a major offense to paralegal humanity. (Oh, yeah…I don’t have a veranda.)

Dang it.

I’m not sure what’s weirder, the fact that there is a tape outline of a body depicted on the car pictured above or the fact that it was actually taken live, by me, as a passerby on the street whipping out my iPhone. Sure did enjoy that trip to New Orleans! Apparently, it was “hurricane” season (tall glass, pink drink, and ice cubes) for someone who did, in fact, visit a veranda, which may or may not have been owned by a paralegal.

POLISHED AND CONFUSED IN INDIANA

Trying to take a step a bit outside of the polish comfort zone this year, I opted to give this shiny, dark gray polish a try, just for kicks. I’m not sure if I think I’m Morticia from The Addams Family or Connie Britton from Nashville, but I’m certainly hoping for the latter. The jury is still out.

Why is it I could see this on a coworker and totally like it, but the moment it makes its way onto my fingertips, it’s like I’ve entered the ranks of a trend-seeking lunatic? Does this happen to you, too? Great on them. Weird on you?

Morticia or Connie? What say ye? Feel free to render your verdict below.

OWNERSHIP

This one makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I may or may not have observed this one live, in complete and utter amazement in the copy room. Loading the copy paper into the tray? A+

Ownership and follow through on the execution of seeing said paper into the copy machine…and all the way through the process? Epic failure.

Thank you for leaving the papyrus carcass behind for my master iPhone photography skills to capture.

You. Lose.

APPALACHIAN WHITE OUT SYNDROME

I am not making this up.

This is what happens to you when you work as a busy litigation paralegal, during a big trial, and find yourself hovering over a white out graveyard (9 white out guns and 13 jury binders later, after having begged every single member of the firm for every stitch of white out each had in their possession to get the job done), we had ourselves a syndrome. That’ll teach you to run your finger across the page to seal down the white out on that master copy. Perhaps a trip to the Swiss Alps will help ease the pain. Please send a one-way plane ticket immediately.

I would love to stay and chat, but I am currently in surgery, having this white out removed from my pinky finger.

_____

If you enjoyed this first ever edition in our humor series including photos, let us know! Better yet, share it.

Have an interesting or entertaining photo you’d like to see included in the next Photo Gallery edition of “A Little Paralegal Humor?” Send it to us at: jamietheparalegal@yahoo.com. We’d love to see what’s outrageous, funny or just downright pitiful in your corner of the legal universe. A picture is worth a thousand words…or in some cases, laughs.

Happy trails! We’ll see you soon.