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By: Jamie Collins

Happy High Heel Friday, TPS readers! Raise the flag and rally the legal troops – you’ve made it through yet another thrilling work week! Today, we’re here to share some of the most interesting search terms that have landed people on our blog. Since we couldn’t convince all of the esquires of the world to give you Friday off, we figured we’d do the next best thing, and give you a brief break from your big day of managing the crazy, accompanied by a small dose of paralegal humor.

Here goes…

eye of the gerbera

(And yes, these are real search terms. We can’t make this stuff up!)

Large firm small firm chef

I was nearly propelled into an instantaneous fit of laughter as I read those words.

Then I realized that law firms do actually have chefs! Here, at my small firm, our chefs are [you ready for this one…] Jimmy and Papa. Yep, true story – that’s Jimmy Johns & Papa Johns; two nearly-nutritional items delivered deskside to starving, stressed out Paralegals, who remain perched over their keyboards, sifting through folders and documents, with a lack of wind whipping through their hair while they bask beneath the glow of florescent light bulbs.

And don’t forget the General – that’s General Tso. Delivering meals deskside, via courier, to those legal souls who find themselves teetering through the burrows of the lunch deficient, possessing the necessary willpower to wield chopsticks (without turning them into makeshift weapons, which may or may not be turned on one’s self, supervising attorney or co-workers).

Anyone working at a big firm got a chef? Seriously, drop me a line. I must know. Does this truly exist? I’m having vivid images of all the things I’m missing out on here in small firm, U.S.A. One more meal from either John or the General, and I may attempt to pry open that barless window en route to a permanent escape, where I shall frolic among the evil gray geese in that concrete covered parking lot below – far, far away from the esquires, pizza, and sub sandwiches.

Again, I would like to know if you have a law firm chef? Please send the address of your law firm, along with the name of the hiring partner. I’m all in…

Legal assistant reality show

Not to my knowledge, but wouldn’t we all love to watch it?! Count me in, reality TV producers. That’s Jamie, at a small firm located in Indianapolis, Indiana, sustaining herself on a diet of sub sandwiches to remain alive. While we’re at it, let me tell you what we’d all like to see featured on this show. We’re looking for a legal reality show that ends each episode in the same dramatic fashion as Survivor. Oh yes! You bet we are.

Every Friday, each paralegal working within the featured law firm of the week shall gleefully approach the large, brown, clay urn, where he or she will be greeted by rectangular sheets of parchment paper and a big, fat marker. At that point, he or she will giddily [oh so giddily] write down the name of the worst offending Dark Cloud a/k/a Keeper of the Misery lurking within the confines of the otherwise “happy” paralegaling office to vote ‘em the heck outta there! (I’m starting to feel all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it)!

By a vote of…[you with me here – how completely awesome would this be?]…10 to 1…[insert name of your Dark Cloud here] has just been voted off of the legal island.

One can dare to dream. In lieu of sugar plums, I shall dream of parchment paper and a clay urn while I sleep. Feel free to join me. Better yet, send a Sharpie.

Pretty pumps receptionist blog

Not real sure what you were looking for Mr. Searcher, but round these parts, we refer to that as, “Happy High Heel Friday!” In lieu of heels, our male counterparts wear slippery soled oxfords, often of the Cole Haan or Kenneth Cole variety. These ridiculously slippery soles allow each of us to make a valiant, heartfelt “sliding charge” through the law firm gates, and into the absolutely fabulous weekend! Go us!!! While you can certainly answer the law firm phones wearing any old shoe, you won’t look nearly as spiffy without those pretty pumps, and this is especially true on that coveted paralegal holiday otherwise known as “Friday.”

Paralegal hearsay

Oh, I love this one! (I admit that I’m laughing aloud as I type this).

You ready? Here goes…
This is where the paralegal “hear the attorney say…”

  • Where is that file?
  • Do you know what’s going on with this case? That case? The other case? That new case?
  • Do you know what this person calling me wants? Who is she? I’ve never heard of her in my life.
  • Can you find the one piece of paper that is nowhere to be found in my office, your office, or the vicinity of this paper-covered office, in general?
  • How long will it take you to type this letter, while I repeatedly check back with you in an intrusive fashion, in seemingly never-ending, 30 second intervals until said letter is complete? Are you finished with it yet? That letter? How’s it coming?
  • Vacation days? What vacation days? You don’t get vacation days.
  • Do you think you’ll have [insert name of an utterly atrocious project that is virtually impossible under the allowable time constraints here] done on time…even though it’s pretty much impossible, and we all know this? You on it?
  • Do you remember what happened with [insert name of any task or project you’ve worked on in the past 365 days]?
  • How long have you worked here, again?

Really no end in sight on this one. Feel free to run with it….
(Oh yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like, and then some!)

Easiest paralegal field

Looking to step into the easiest paralegal field, are we? It looks a little something like this:

Don’t you feel more calm just looking at it? Okay, back to the real world.

“Lifer” paralegals (those serving life sentences in the legal biz) go here often in our minds; into a lovely flowing field of daisies where there are no deadlines, stressed out esquires or Keepers of the Misery attempting to thwart our glee-filled ambitions as we eagerly climb the legal ladder one carefully placed high heel at a time, despite the craziness swirling all around us, and the lunch deliveries being brought deskside, as we braid daisy garlands for our hair.

Ahhh. Isn’t it grand? Truth is, there really isn’t an “easy” paralegal field. It’s challenging day-in and day-out, regardless of your practice area. It’s a fast paced world with high expectations. Lots of room for glory or defeat – your choice. One must be ready to eagerly (and consistently) rise to the occasion, as he or she enters the imaginary field of flowing daisies to save the heavily guarded President (the supervising esquire), at any given moment.

Wanna hear the good news?  Most paralegals love their jobs! Notwithstanding the non-existent flowing field of daisies, cabana on the sandy beaches of Hawaii, chocolate fountain in the break room, new company car born from the Infiniti lot, on-call masseuse, or walk-thru Starbucks window located just down the hall.

Have I mentioned how much we LOVE paper? And a good challenge.

Law firm law clerks hate

I may need to interview the local law clerk to glean some additional answers to this one, but I’m pretty sure I can provide some fairly accurate insight. And the survey says – law firm law clerks hate (any and all of the following):

Last minute deadlines;
Working long hours;
Making very little money;
Bossy or unpleasant paralegals;
Stressed out attorneys; and
Being forced into windowless offices, beneath desks or into cubicles…into a state of hiding. (Yes, hiding)

And did I mention projects involving the fascinating pastime of organizing papers/binders/boxes/files? Seriously. Step away from the boxes. Put the papers down. The Paralegals have it under control! Take one more step toward that carefully organized mountain of papyrus, and I will surely reevaluate the grand array of lethal options for those chopsticks sitting deskside.

A short story about paralegals

Once upon a time, there was a Paralegal who worked at a law firm. She dreamed of becoming the fairest Paralegal in all the land, and earning a really, really, really, really big bonus, along with a one-way ticket to the fabulous retirement village in Waikiki upon the full departure of her sanity! She was never squeezed under the tyranny of daily deadlines, stress or Keepers of the Misery covertly working alongside the hard working villagers in the land of legal.

Okay, I’m bored. You bored, too? Let’s go with a short story in the form of a paralegal prayer! Here goes…

Dear Lord,

I have been very good today; no grumpy thoughts, no swearing, no smacking people in the head and no whining at all.

But I’m about to get out of bed now, so I may need your help for the rest of the day.

Amen!!

(Sent to me via a fun TPS member on a day when I was preparing for trial – thank you, Debbie).

_____

Wishing you flowing fields of flowers, a big, brown clay urn surrounded by parchment paper, and an absolutely phenomenal weekend filled with paralegal happiness!

By a vote of 10 to 1…(still dreaming).