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By: Lindsay Valek (Guest Blogger)

Happy High Heel Friday, TPS Nation! You’ve reached the sanity hotline. Today, we’re pleased to share another fabulous, well-written and rather humorous article written by none other than Lindsday Valek – one of our favorite Friday bloggers! [Insert nation full of paralegals smiling with giddy anticipation here]. Are you up for a good challenge? See if you can read this entire post without cracking a single, solitary smile.  

If I had my way, all the major health insurance carriers would roll out a plan designed specifically for paralegals and legal assistants to provide the coverage we need and deserve. For years, I’ve encouraged my insurance representatives to consider a practical, affordable plan to cover us in the event of sickness, injury, mental breakdown or death. If they ever came through, we’d see these and other exciting new features in our benefits packages:

Finger resurfacing:

While the average office worker may consider paper cuts a minor, on-the-job hazard worthy only of a small bandage, paralegals know what a truly serious health concern they can be. Every skin cell on our arms from the elbows down has been ruptured by bone-deep slices into our forearms, wrists, palms and fingers. Entire document productions have been destroyed due to blood loss, and paralegals have statistically been accused of self-mutilation more than any other profession.

The finger resurfacing feature provides quarterly skin-resurfacing by micro-dermabrasion followed by soothing paraffin treatments. For an additional $3 per month, lanolin massage applications performed by highly skilled, all-male teams of Italian rugby players can be added to the plan.

Radiation removal:

Using state-of-the-art technology, it is now possible to stop and sometimes even reverse the harmful effects of radiation received from copy machine exposure. Studies have shown that paralegals are exposed to 11 times more radiation from job-related copy-and-collate projects than similar office administration professionals. Symptoms of excessive radiation exposure include irritability, fatigue and occasional outbursts of rage directed at first-year associates. Physical symptoms have been known to present themselves in suspicious and often alarming circumstances, as one paralegal from New Jersey was recently found in the supply room eating powdered ink toner. Prior radiation level testing is required before plan will be issued.

Pysch ward perks (PWPs):

After suffering silently for years under the demands of the profession, paralegals everywhere will rejoice with the new PWP rollout plan. Low rates and minimum pre-qualification standards make this an especially attractive program and a wise investment for paralegals of every age group. For only $44.99 per year, paralegals can purchase this service of above-average, almost luxury accommodations at a reputable mental rehabilitation facility of your choosing. Sheets of 300-thread count, extra Crayons to snack on, 100 percent cotton terry-cloth bathrobes and bi-monthly trips to Starbucks are just a few of the “perks” the PWP program offers. For an additional $12.95 per year, a private caregiver will ensure your medications are timely and play the kazoo for you every afternoon between group sessions.

Eternal bliss:

The Cadillac of these exciting new plans will enable you to enjoy eternal rest, free from all memories of binders, federal filing deficiency memos and depositions for which you forgot to schedule a court reporter. Having just passed European testing standards in animals, this plan will cryogenically freeze portions of your brain to erase all specific memories of your life within the legal profession while preserving the more desirable memories of friends and family in the process.

This plan also provides for a file room to be named in your honor at a prominent law firm (complete with genuine bronze-finish plaque) and guarantees weekly grave-side visits from your bereaved boss complete with a stunning bouquet of your favorite seasonal flower (pending his survival). This plan also makes a wonderful gift for attorneys to give to their staff for birthdays, Employee Appreciation day, Christmas and other holidays.

These and many other exciting products will soon be arriving to your law firm, and program representatives will be on hand to answer any questions you or your employer may have. With low rates, superior customer service and a satisfaction rating above 30 percent, these features will finally give paralegals the emotional and physical protection they deserve. Get yours today!

Lindsay Valek is a Litigation Technology Specialist for the McNair Law Firm, in Columbia, South Carolina. She can be reached at lindsayvalek@hotmail.com.


Shall we count you in on the new, paralegal health care plan, TPSers? We thought so. We’re still waiting in the legal wings for those pleadings lined in chocolate, robots that magically read our esquires’ minds (and double as GPS tracking units), and a good, old-fashioned, thirty minute head start on that grand exit straight out of those law firm doors on this rather fabulous Friday! Oh yes, the impending Paralegal Freedom Festival is drawing near…

We’ll see you on Monday!