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By: Jamie Collins

WARNING: If you ventured to The Paralegal Society today hoping to find an academic piece written in a very serious tone – guess what? You’ve come to the wrong place! On this absolutely fabulous Friday in the land of legal, we’re pleased to feature a piece from our most popular series: A Little Paralegal Humor. If you don’t laugh at least once while reading this post, either the Founder needs to promptly enter “The Search Term Writer’s Rehabilitation Center” or you need a serious vacation! (We know the latter is definitely true). Read this post and let me know if I need to book a one-way ticket to that lovely writer’s rehabilitation facility located in…oh yeah, you guessed it…Hawaii!

“Do paralegal run round like nursing” (yes, it was really written just like that…)

One word:

YES.

Some more words:

In high heels and slippery-soled oxfords, while smiling, carrying large stacks of documents, which we occasionally drop, half glazed over from pondering our impending multitude of looming deadlines (while running mentally in our brains, even when we aren’t running physically) as we sleep, shower, and drive our cars…across marble flooring, down carpeted hallways…and really, really, fast out of those law firm doors at the end of each given work day…cause you just never know if you might hear your name one more time…RUN!!!!

Do paralegals run? You betcha. In fact, any time the Nurses are ready to enter the Olympic Games for Working Professionals versus the Paralegals – just let us know! We are so down. (Is it 5:30 yet??? I’m pulling my high heels on tight, people. Uh oh…was that my name? Did the gun finally go off to signal the commencement of the paralegal departure games? RUN!!!)

“Letter for my mentor waiting for my previous mentor release” 

Now, we get tons of people landing on our site in search of forms for letters to mentors. I think that’s great. Heck, I actually appreciate the fact that someone would go out of their way to conduct an intelligent search on Google in the hopes of obtaining a suitable letter for such a purpose. Seems like a great personal quest for a person in need of a mentor.

However, this one totally caught my eye. Why? (Go read it again) Ha. Well, for starters, because it raises some immediate questions:

(1)   Why would you be awaiting a “previous mentor release?”

(2)   What in the world is it that you need to be released from? Exactly?

(3)   What in the heck does any of this mean?

(4)   What is wrong with you? (Oops…that one was aloud, wasn’t it?)

(5)   Return to questions 1-4.

I am so confused right now. Stick with me here. I’ve had mentors. In fact, I have a few right now. They’re fabulous. Thing is, I’ve never had to be “released” from one. However, in the event I did find myself needing to be “released” from a mentor of mine – it would go a little something like this:

RUN!!!!

Sure hope I answered your question. I have to say this is one time when I’ll be leaving a topic with more questions than I started with initially. Mentor release? Anyone? You got anything? Is there some type of “Mentor Enforcement Release Committee” I am not aware of? I am so confused, and running to the next search term with the hopes of maintaining what little sanity I have left.

“How paralegals help”

Okay, brace yourself. I’m about to do the big reveal here.

You ready for this? [Wait for it…]

Paralegals do…

the work!

AND

Esquires sign…

the work!

Seriously. Shhhhh…don’t tell ANYONE.

“How to avoid answering a question”

Well, since you asked, we would suggest the following:

(1)   Prompt utterance of the word “Ummmmmmmmm…..”

(2)   “Can you repeat the question?” (Ask this repeatedly until question asking has ceased).

(3)   The projection of an utterly dumbfounded countenance to put the asker on notice that you clearly have no freakin’ clue how to answer the question posed…and may not even have understood the words coming out of the asker’s mouth…seriously. (Promptly followed by either option number one or two above).

(4)   Wait until the asker has finished their long-winded, 10 minute story/blow-by-blow narrative of the situation/description of the impending assignment, and then say: “What was that?  I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening…”

(5)   Fake a sudden bout of a rare, Madagascan stomach virus, while discussing your physical symptoms in vivid detail.

(6)   RUN as fast as you can in the other direction while screaming “Here I come…”

DISCLAIMER: You should prepare for your imminent (and permanent) departure from the building at the behest of a suited esquire after utilizing techniques 1-6 set forth above. You know that movie “The Departed”? That’s totally you.

While we’re at it, I’d also like to propose a new piece of paralegal “code language.” You know: something only the paralegals across the world will understand.

Here goes…

From this day forward, the word “sanity” shall now be known in paralegal circles as… “The Departed.” You with me here? Oh yes…it departed…the sanity…yours and mine…LONG ago.

When you pass another paralegal in the hall today, just whisper “The departed.” (They’ll know exactly what that means…)

“Are there male paralegals”

Yes. Hence, our frequent sharing of male, fashion attire tips, and repeated mention of the term “oxfords” when simultaneously referencing “high heels” on Fridays. There are a lot of fabulous, male paralegals in the world. If you want to be one – go for it! You will not be alone. Well, unless you find yourself attempting to depart from a former mentor without properly abiding by the terms of the “Mentor Enforcement Release Committee” or attempting to deflect a question by utilizing techniques 1-6 listed in the previous response above. In which case, you are “the departed” of “the departed” (you know what that means…).

Men. They’re out there. In suits. Running around courtrooms, down marble halls, carpeted hallways, carrying stacks of documents, half glazed over, while sporting really nice dress shirt/tie combos with accompanying Cole Haan slide-ons.

In short…yes.

“I hate paralegals”

Our condolences. In that case, you may want to rethink your visits to paralegal blogs. (Seriously). Perhaps you could focus on a topic you are actually fond of when conducting Google searches in the future. Now there’s a grand idea! Perhaps more of the puppies, rainbows, and rays of sunshine genre? Godspeed, Google searcher with a strong disdain for paralegalkind.

“Clean desk”

Noun: In the paralegal world: lore; a myth; legend.

Rumor has it that people working in other professions actually have clean desks.  As a working paralegal, that is the extent of my knowledge on this fascinating topic.

Synonym: In the paralegal word: organized desk.

True story. Grabbed that one by the paralegal horns! Oh yeah…world class, organized desk having, wood seeing, Dragon Slayer – Party of One. Or is that two? You in?

“How to overcome anxiety from having an intimidating boss”

Great question! Now there’s a smart Google search, my friends. Clearly, someone attempting to cling to “the departed” without actually becoming “the departed.” We like it!

Round there parts, we like to refer to that intimidating boss as “the Kraken.” Yep, we actually dedicated an entire article to that very topic not so long ago! In case you missed it, the link to our article about “the Kraken” is featured below…and know this: you are not alone, Kraken keepers of the legal universe.

https://theparalegalsociety.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/the-intimidating-boss-a-curse-or-blessing/

“jamie the paralegal” (Yes, indeed).

Um…see below.

Jamie Collins

Someone Google searching you by first name and profession?
Equal parts cool and creepy if you’re “jamie the paralegal.”

Search term answerer extraordinaire, at your service. (May soon be departing for assisted writing facility in Hawaii, depending upon the feedback received from this post…)

“Motivational quotes for paralegals”

Oh, this one is right up my alley! We love motivational quotes! Here goes:

“What we can or cannot do, what we consider possible or impossible, is rarely a function of our true capability. It is more likely a function of our beliefs about who we are.” – Anthony Robbins

“The word impossible is not in my dictionary.” – Napoleon Bonaparte

“Impossible only means that you haven’t found the solution yet.” – Anonymous

“Sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” – Lewis Carroll

“Every noble work is at first impossible.” – Thomas Carlyle

“It always seems impossible until it’s done.” – Nelson Mandela

“Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside them was superior to circumstance. – Bruce Barton

“We are continually faced by great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems.” – Lee Iacocca

“We have a problem. ‘Congratulations.’ But it’s a tough problem. ‘Then double congratulations.’” – W. Clement Stone

“The important thing is somehow to begin.” – Henry Moore

“You can’t try to do things; you simply must do them.” – Ray Bradbury

“Don’t give up when you still have something to give.  Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.” – Brian Dyson

“Do what you love, the money will follow.” – Marsha Sinetar

(I’m feeling all amped up and ready to take the legal gauntlet by storm! How about you?)

“Hanging from cliff”

Only about every other day.
That’s us!

_____

Enough said. We hope you enjoyed this edition of “A Little Paralegal Humor.” If you like it – share it! And if I need to purchase that one-way ticket to Hawaii, please advise my boss immediately.

p.s.

Have a fantastic weekend and good luck maintaining [insert whisper voice here] “the departed.” 

We’ll see you on Monday!