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english bulldogs dressed up as santa and rudolphBy: Jamie Collins

Welcome back to the outer rung of sanity on this rather fantastic Friday, TPS Nation! If you’re looking for a little humor to lighten the load and intensify the happy, you’ve come to the right place! Now, whether these fun and interesting little tidbits are considered to be a work of fiction or non-fiction is entirely up to you. We have to say we’ve got our money on the latter! Welcome to your December Edition of: “A Little Paralegal Humor.” The biography – written about every paralegal to ever walk the planet with grace, style, and the small serving of sanity that remains. (Did that clear up the debate? It’s the latter). 

For those of you that are new to TPS, this is where we take some of the random search terms that land people on our blog, and attempt to oh-so-eloquently (and truthfully) answer them for the benefit of all paralegalkind! 

Onto the humor…

The magic paralegal

Ha ha. Okay. I get it. You’re in search of a magic paralegal. The magic part unfolds when we deal with so much stress that it would make a normal person crack, self-implode or walk run out the door to never return again, yet, we absorb the abundant stress that looms through the air with all the grace one would expect of a savvy paralegal possessing magical powers. Oh-so-calm on the outside, but you have no idea what’s brewing just below the surface! The internal screams are silent. The results are extraordinary. Perhaps it’s magic!!! Who knew? Magic paralegals. Lots of ’em.

Hey – are you a magic paralegal, too? We should start a club for those with magical powers, which in this case, is every paralegal who manages to remain gainfully employed, and partially sane, boldly saving esquires, while managing to ever so carefully subdue the crazy that is bubbling ever so quietly below the surface. Magic. Yep. True story. We’ll be sure to send that “magical” enrollment form your way!

What is the designation “um” after paralegal

Um…seriously?

(Irony intended).

Have to say, I’ve never heard of this one. Someone, please correct me if I’m wrong.  Anyone ever heard of this?

Okay, I’ve got it now! I think this is the designation they should give to all new paralegals. For the first year or so of your paralegal career, anytime an esquire approaches you with a status question (or twelve thousand) concerning things such as: where a missing file is located, the whereabouts of a particular piece of papyrus that is MIA, the status of a recent court filing or what you’ve done on his 100+ cases in the past 13 weeks of your life, you can always begin the conversation off right with the word “um….” You with me here? Repeat after me: “Um.” As in “Ummmmmmm, I have no freaking idea, but I’d love to figure it out for you, and will let you know as quickly as humanly possible as soon as I do.” (Note to paralegals: Everything after the ummmm should be reworded to sound super professional.  That was just the banter that will undoubtedly take place inside your own head).

Um = for new paralegals

Heck, who am I kidding? I still use this one today! Did you send out that document 2 weeks ago? Did you do all 34 of the things I asked you to do in the last 2 hours? “Ummmm…” See, it still works to this day. Feel free to use it anytime the need arises, which is likely about every 20 minutes, on a slow day.

Are you in the “um” club, too? No need to respond. Ummm…we’ll hop right on to the next search term now. There’s what you need to know about the “um” designation.  (And if there really is such a thing, someone please clue me in…)

Am I too stupid to be a paralegal? 

I find myself wondering if I’ve entered the googling twilight zone. How about you? Has anyone ever googled this question? What in the world is going on here? What is wrong with the searchers of the world?

In all seriousness, we have no idea. Although we are somewhat concerned that you seem to have no idea either.

You’re you.

We’re not.

Are you too stupid to be a paralegal? We certainly hope not, but have absolutely no idea. We would recommend asking a parent, close friend, relative, neighbor or coworker. Although if the words “Am I too stupid to be a paralegal” exit your mouth, chances are – the response will be in the affirmative – or at least the accompanying glance certainly will be, anyway. May want to use the lead in of “Ummmm…”

Enough said. Moving on…

Paralegal happiness

Oh…I love this one! I’ll play along! I feel like I’ve got a buzzer in my hand, playing an enthralling round of Family Fued in the hopes of winning a fabulous, family, all-inclusive, round trip vacation, with complimentary snow suits, to the Swiss Alps, during the bonus round (is there a bonus round…no clue, but either way I’m in. Here goes nothing!)

Um…
(see, still use it today…told you!)

  • Lunch breaks
  • Lunch breaks, spent non-desk-side, with ZERO requests, disturbances, telephone calls and absolutely NO utterance of my name flying down the corridors of the firm’s hallway during said lunch “break.” Get it – “break” – literally.
  • Gift baskets containing goodies from the firm’s finest vendors (we heart chocolate!)
  • Long weekends
  • Plane tickets to Hawaii
  • Extra time to spend with family outside of the law firm walls with NO PHONE CALLS please
  • Walks on the beach (okay, I was just kidding with that one, but when writing a long list, it always seems like an appropriate add in, and it is true)
  • Gifts
  • Opportunities to spend our hard earned paralegal dough on fun stuff
  • Verbal praise
  • The words “thank you” uttered frequently and in a heartfelt fashion
  • Better yet, the words “You’re the Best Paralegal Ever” (which I do force my assigned esquire to utter in response to my most amazing compliance with nearly impossible tasks successfully completed, when the appropriate time arises).
  • Gift cards
  • Pay raises
  • Can anyone say “BONUSES?”
  • Better yet, can anyone say “BIG BONUSES???”
  • Retirement in Hawaii

(Grab my beach umbrella, and book the cabana…I am so in…)

Paralegal happiness comes in many forms. Generally speaking, we love what we do, and there’s nothing else we’d rather be doing, except for perhaps some of the fun things set forth on the list above! Loving what you do, and all of the perks that come along with it — that is paralegal happiness. (And I’m not kidding about this whole BIG BONUS thing…I’m “magic,” remember?)

‘S’ to know about being a paralegal

No, we don’t make this stuff up.

Seriously? I find myself stopped dead in my tracks here. [Insert blank stare, followed by the Founder’s internal thought process here].

Should I actually attempt to answer this query…or spend my time attempting to ascertain who in the freakin’ world actually begins a Google search with “s” as the lead in – with the “s” standing for, well, you know what?! I can honestly tell you that there’s never been a single time in my life when I’ve EVER wanted to learn more about something (anything) and sat down at the ol’ computer to greet the Google bar to type the words: “s to know about” ANYTHING. Anything at all. I cannot think of a single instance when this query would be appropriate…except for perhaps, if it is really “s” that you were wanting to learn more about in the first place, intended quite literally.  Wow.

Okay, okay, back to the question at hand. Um, for starters, “a paralegal” would never Google anything beginning with the word “s” in front of it. We’ll consider this the first thing you need to know about being a paralegal. As your introductory, crash course into the field, we’d simply like to start by telling you to drop the s*** searches. Please feel free to submit a new search in the future worded the way normal folks search for things, and we’ll gladly answer it for you! Your first mission as a future paralegal is to learn how to master the art of Googling. In conclusion: drop the “s.”  Trust us, there will be plenty of “s” in the trenches – no need to go looking for it!

p.s.

Please send Tylenol, chocolate or a one-way pass to the day spa my way – the room is suddenly beginning to spin.

Person sitting at keyboard getting panicked

Let me clue you in on a little something.

Everyone reading this, please simultaneously raise your hands!!!

Who is sitting at the keyboard getting panicked???

Every paralegal in the world!!!!

Oh yes. You can believe it  – it’s true. We may appear oh-so-calm on the outside, but on the inside, we are panicked. Gripped in fear. Wondering how to execute the impossible. Daily. Hourly. Sometimes, every single solitary second of the day (thank goodness those days aren’t all too often). It’s on those days that we think about those bonuses, paralegal perks, and our future days spent in the Retirement Village via Hawaii. After all, our goal is to be “happy paralegals” and “magic paralegals.” Hopefully, at the end of the day, we are both.

Wishing you intelligent Google searches, happiness, a long and wonderful weekend, and many of the fabulous items enumerated on our paralegal list of happiness above.  Enjoy your time outside of those law firm walls. And just pretend that “ring, ring, ringing” you’re hearing is only in your head! Close the door, stow the phone, and embrace the happy! Embrace the Paralegal Freedom Movement!  It is so on.   

We’ll see you on Monday, TPSers!