Jamie Collins

By: Jamie Collins

Welcome back, TPSers! Wishing you and yours a Happy Friday Eve! Now back by popular demand is the latest and greatest, paralegal humor post. I found myself wondering why our paralegal humor series is, hands down, one of our most shared categories, and then it dawned on me, it’s one of the oh-so-small ways to escape the crazy!

So step down off the platform of that Runaway Railroad (at least momentarily), sip that beverage of sanity, and if you don’t laugh aloud at least once while reading this post, you should immediately pick up that neck-craning-killer phone, lit up like the Las Vegas style strip, and call for help, a good therapist or a new career planner.

Enjoy it fully, share it widely, and have an absolutely fabulous, paralegal rock star weekend! After all, it’s Friday Eve!!! Without further ado, here’s a little paralegal humor…

Can I paralegal do my resume?

Well, for starters, I was giving this random searcher a little undue credit here, and mistakenly assumed this poor soul meant to type “can a paralegal” rather than “can i paralegal.” Then I looked down at my keyboard, which I rarely look down at because I have the keys memorized and realized that the “a” and “i” keys couldn’t be any farther apart.

Yep, 15 years of paralegaling will do that for a person: full keyboard memorization. You quickly learn you can make your way off the platform of the Runaway Railroad a lot faster if you have the keyboard memorized, so you don’t have to look down while typing, as he is talking, as tasks are swirling, the dark cloud (a/k/a keeper of the misery) is prancing in that ridiculous get up, the coffee is pouring, he is still talking, the phone is ringing, the fax is coming in, he is still talking…yes, you must memorize the keys just to survive.

So, if the question were “can a paralegal do my resume” the answer would be yes…if you find a nice paralegal or are willing to pay a not-so-nice, but still smart paralegal to do said resume writing for you, that’s grand.

If your question is “can I paralegal do my resume” then I have no freakin’ clue what it is that you are attempting to articulate. You may want to rethink that degree plan, unless it’s in influent communication, then you’ve got the market cornered, my friend. The world is your incoherent empire. Have at it, and Godspeed.

The looks of a paralegal desk

Okay, usually we use words to answer these fun searchers’ questions, but on this particular occasion, pictures are totally warranted. You wanna see paralegal desk pictures, eh? Brace yourself.

Check these out.

If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed…

RUN!!!

We can just see the autopsy report now…”death by paper.”

Please keep my desk clean notice

This one made me laugh for more than one reason. In all honesty, I don’t even know where to begin. So I’ll just dive right in.

ATTENTION: This is a public announcement. There is no such thing as keeping your desk “clean” as a paralegal. If this is the number one priority you are worried about right now, you may want to get “i paralegal” to get your resume all spiffed up for you because you’re about to commence in “Operation Exiting Paralegal with a Pipe Dream Being Shown the Door.” More appropriate areas of concern are listed below. Please feel free to draw upon them. They include, but are by no means, no way and no how, limited to the following:

Why does my desk suddenly resemble Mount Saint Paper More?

How can one possibly accumulate this many to-do’s in a twelve minute period?

Strike that…I mean a 12 second period!!! [insert paralegal slamming head down on Mount Saint Paper More here]

When is the Runaway Railroad making its next stop …cause I’m about to leap out of that tiny little, freakin’ trail car window to freedom! Step aside or push.

How many attorneys does it take to fight over a paralegal like a group of small school children on the playground arguing over who gets the one coveted bag of M&Ms?

(Answer: Any number of attorneys totaling more than one. True story.)

How can they possibly think one person could get all of this done?

Please help me…please. I started going crazy and I can’t get out.

Please note that the choices for appropriate lines of thinking for paralegals are endless. Our point is this: please feel free to worry about your desk being organized, but if it’s truly “clean” you’re after, then perhaps you should grab one of those spiffy, button-down uniforms or a pair of coveralls and one of those lovely, feather dusters to perform janitorial-esque services for folks with normal jobs, who get to actually have “clean” desks. In the event you try making a sign to get others to keep your desk clean, please send any related, color photographs and a detailed, comprehensive, blow-by-blow narrative to: jamietheparlaegal@yahoo.com. We’re all about it. Be sure to kiss that clean desk goodbye (and grab your clean desk notification sign) on your way past it when in route to your imminent departure.

My work ethic is

I must say if you’re searching for your work ethic on the Internet, than (1) that probably doesn’t say a whole lot about your work ethic; and (2) you probably didn’t find it, did you?

Your work ethic is actually something you work to create each and every day, and over time, those days and days and days or churning the piles of papers seem to equate to a work “ethic,” perceived by those around you, and hopefully a good one. It’s not something that can be found while shopping the old search bar on Google.

You didn’t find it yet, did you? The work ethic?

Hint: The creator of your work ethic will be staring back at you in the mirror tomorrow morning! Be sure to introduce yourself, avoid questioning Google about your work ethic…or lack thereof, and work to create an actual, personal, work ethic. Best of luck to you, Mr. Searcher, in search of a work ethic.

I am being stalked by a crazy paralegal

First off, one quick question…this “paralegal” doesn’t happen to be the Founder of a really amazing, super cool, paralegal blog for “friendly” paralegals who just happens to be stalking you to write an article, does she? [insert sheepishly smiling Founder here].

If not, then it sounds like you have a real dilemma on your hands. Hmmmm. I find myself wondering, “What would I do if I were being stalked by a crazy paralegal???” What would I do? Hmmm. Good question.

Um, let’s see here. I believe I would RUN!!! And then there’s always the old trifecta speed dial: that’s 9, followed by 1, followed by 1. Yep…alert the authorities! That’s 911…dial it fast before she catches you.

And if this person stalking you is just looking for an article to share with her absolutely fascinating, paralegal readers, please send your submission to: jamietheparalegal@yahoo.com with the subject line: “The fruition of your stalking” And thank you kindly. That will be all.

Can you live as a paralegal in BC

Okay, I almost laughed out loud when I read this one. I’m guessing this searcher honestly wants to know if they can live as a paralegal in British Columbia? I can’t help you with that one; but I would certainly assume so. However, I think my article on “the B.C.” is far more entertaining and on point. So, if you wanna know if you can live as a paralegal on the BC, here’s the link to answer that very important question:

https://theparalegalsociety.wordpress.com/2012/04/20/living-paralegal-life-on-the-b-c/

Straight from that place called reality. Yep…it’s where the real paralegals live…on the BC. The answer is yes. You can live there. I do. So do the paralegals reading this. How many paralegals, you ask? ALL of them. Life on the B.C. That’s us. A very special group of fortunate, and half sane souls saving the world one carefully managed crisis at a time (while he keeps on talking…).

I am my boss’s wife’s boss

OMG…RUN!!!

No…really. We’re dead serious. The odds of this working out are about as high as you being able to effectively change your brown eye color to blue if you eat an over-abundance of blue foods while watching marathon episodes of the Smurfs! Good luck with that one.

OMG. Just run out the door! Don’t look back. Was that your high heel that just fell off your right foot into the grass? Don’t stop….no…and don’t look back…just…keep…running!!!

Cost of one lost high heel? $20-100

Cost of preserving your sanity? Priceless

How are senior paralegal set apart

Ha ha ha. I suddenly feel like I’ve been transported to the butcher’s meat counter and we’re discussing the merits of ground round versus certified, Black Angus beef!

So your question is, “How are senior paralegals set apart, huh? Sure, some of ‘em have fancy designations, so they can put those cool letters behind their names. Others hold degrees from colleges, universities or the esteemed institution of “Learn or Get Fired” and majored in things like: mind reading, doing 32 things at one time and mastering the art of illusion in an organizational capacity while, in reality, “really” only doing one thing at a time. (Sure fooled them!) Most of them have this subtle thing that sets them apart and it’s called: A bigger paycheck!! Woot! Go senior paralegals!

Last I checked, I’m still not receiving a senior paralegal discount at the local grocery, but perhaps my day will come. Or perhaps one day I’ll just be so old and so crazy after spending all my years in the legal minefield, that I’ll approach the cashier in the checkout lane and tell him all about how I need to receive my “senior paralegal” discount, grocery shopping rate. Ba ha ha. Hey, it could happen. If any profession could push a person down a slippery slope into the land of senility in a hurry…it’s this one!

Okay…seriously. If you work a really, really, really long time in this profession and you don’t kill anyone (esquired of otherwise) and no one (esquired or otherwise) kills you… then you continue to work and work and work…and you’re a “senior paralegal” who still pays full price at the mini mart, but usually has a lovely array of those designer pantsuits with that dreaded, clinging, skin infused becoming, soul sucking, silk lining of death…and really nice things. Just sayin’. Call Tahari, Jones New York or Ann Klein…and order up! We have a senior paralegal coming in to be set apart. Get that silk lining ready, people.

The most difficult task for a litigation paralegal

Surviving.

Okay, I was partially kidding.

I meant to say, “Surviving still partially sane.”

Okay, okay. In reality, the most difficult thing for a litigation paralegal is preparing for trial. Been there, done that. What’s that…am I still sane? It depends greatly what day you ask me! First off, there is the preparation of the case, the file, and countless pleadings and pre-trial motions. And then you move on to the super fun part…where you get to stand in all your copying glory as you pay personal homage to the copier that only jams about every 3rd exhibit, while you copiously copy, and count, and compile, and resort, and recount, and recopy. It really is a special time. I’m getting all warm and fuzzy (and half crazed and glazed over) just thinking about it!

Trial preparation = the hardest thing you’ll ever do as a litigation paralegal, but it’s also the most rewarding. Some of my greatest moments as a paralegal have occurred in trial.

The big dance. The Legal Super Bowl. A great place to run in heels. Check!!

Enough reading, people. You better get to running in those heels (or lovely slide on or tie up, slippery bottomed dress shoes for your fellas)! That carpeted track of glory awaits…or at least your esquire certainly does.

Have an absolutely fantastic Friday Eve! We’ll see you next time. Remember…don’t…look…back!!!