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Jamie Collins

By: Jamie Collins

Today, we’d like to wish you “Happy Independence Day”… times two. Why did she say “times two,” you ask? I can’t wait to tell you!

First off, all of us at The Paralegal Society would like to take a brief moment to remember all of the men and women who have fought for our freedom over the years (and those who continue to do so), as we celebrate the Fourth of July holiday this July 4, 2012, complete with sunshine filled picnic tables, fireworks festivities, glorious cook outs, carnivals, an 8 hour recess from the hustle and bustle of a crazy law firm, and an abundance of some much needed, family bonding time.

Secondly, we’re proposing a secondary, mental holiday in conjunction with the regular Fourth of July holiday this year; one to be celebrated today and forever more by those who find themselves entrenched in a plentitude of paper piles in the land of paralegaling from sea to shining sea. This “mental” holiday shall fondly be referred to as “Happy Independence from Dark Clouds Day.” For those of you who are new to The Paralegal Society, please allow me to share my personal definition of “dark cloud,” so we’ll all be on the same page:

Dark cloud: noun, adjective and verb (yes, it’s all three, I can assure you.) Dark cloud is that negative, dreadful person you wish you never had to see again a single day in your life. Him or her. The keeper of the misery. We all have one. There is a dark cloud in every single law firm all across the nation, likely pursuant to some sort of collective bargaining agreement entered into between law firms and the universe (that’s my theory anyway).

You know…that person in your firm who looms overhead and sucks your soul with their ridiculous displays of meanness and over-the-top unpleasantries every single freakin’ day of the work week? Him or her. The individual who forces you to actually contemplate the fact that the scissors on your desk could be used as a makeshift weapon? That’s a dark cloud. Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s get back to our new, self-declared, mental independence holiday.

Yep, July 4th. That’s right. If a mayor can declare a holiday in celebration of those sweet singing, finale contestants on American Idol, you can bet your paralegal bottom dollar we can make up a holiday too! And we are. So today, TPS is here to declare a joint independence holiday – one real – one mental. So, what’s this new “Independence from Dark Clouds Day” all about, you ask? Today, paralegals all across the country will mentally unite, for just a brief moment, to issue a self-proclamation to declare our independence from the ever present dark clouds of the legal world.

Now, in reality, will you still continue to walk into your firm to work alongside a Dark Cloud each day?

Yes.

Will he or she continue to plague you with his or her most unfortunate, over-abundance of ridiculousness, multitude of excuses for why he/she can’t possibly help with anything useful, and continued infractions under the “missed the bus” category of common sense felonies committed in the behavior and professionalism department at your law firm?

Yes.

Will the Dark Cloud working the Taco Bell drive thru window continue to stare you down from her glass-doored kingdom, as though you’ve lost your freakin’ mind when you ask for that straw that she seemingly forgot to hand you in the first place; the one that should have come standard with that ice cold, Diet Mountain Dew now perched in your car’s cup holder with no means of transportal into your thirsty paralegal mouth?

You betcha.

Dark clouds…they’re out there.

However, today, on July 4, 2012, we shall mentally declare ourselves independent of the Dark Clouds and all of their nonsense and antics…at least in a mental capacity, anyway. While they will still continue to occupy space on this planet, and most certainly continue to carry on with all of their crying fits, whining tirades, drama, hysterics, attention-seeking behaviors, passive aggressiveness, and modeling of inappropriate, paralegal attire down the runways of shame throughout the legal halls of America, we will no longer be held as mental hostages by their soul-sucking personalities. Nope. No more. “Independence from the Dark Clouds Day” has come. It’s today. July 4th. The Dark Cloud bus stops here, folks.

Think of the way a filter works in a fish tank. The bad particles are trapped by the filter and removed, so they are no longer present to contaminate the rest of the crystal clear water that flows through the tank. Beginning today, on “Independence from Dark Clouds Day” we, too, may take notice of the dark clouds present in the legal aquarium, but will eagerly await that glorious moment of paralegal solitude, when the keepers of the misery find themselves trapped in that ever-present, invisible, Dark Cloud filter now installed in each of our paralegal minds…from this day forward.

Good bye, Dark Clouds. Good bye.

Tonight, when you watch that first brilliantly lit firework hit the dark, night skyline, take a brief moment to pay a small moment of mental, paralegal, and sanity-seeking homage to your self-declared separation from the evil Dark Clouds of the legal universe. Yes, they’re still out there and will continue to be, but we are hereby declaring our independence from them. So, the next time you find a Dark Cloud standing in your office going on and on (and on and on) about whatever it may be (how she can’t possibly get this project done, is just so overwhelmed, so beautiful that all the attorneys can’t help but stare at her or crying because her day of reckoning may have FINALLY arrived) just imagine a big filter standing between you…and her face. Yep. If you can’t remove her via your best, telepathic efforts and silent, internal pleading, at least your filter will get her…eventually.

Wishing you and yours a Happy Independence Day…times two!!!
Jamie & The TPS Crew

You in? We sure hope so! Now, go enjoy all of the food, family, fun, and fireworks you can stand!!! We’ll see you next time…