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Jamie Collins

By: Jamie Collins

Happy High Heel Friday, TPS readers! Raise the flag and rally the legal troops -you’ve made it through yet another thrilling work week! [insert paralegal high fives all round]. Today, we’re sharing some of the most interesting search terms that have made their way onto our blog. Since we couldn’t convince all of the esquires of the world to give you Friday off…we figured we’d do the next best thing, and give you a brief break from your big day of accomplishment, accompanied by a small dose of paralegal humor. We’re certainly ready for a mental break, aren’t you?

Here goes…

(and yes, these are real search terms…we can’t make this stuff up)

Did paralegals use typewriters in the past?

Seriously? The answer is HECK YES! Thankfully, I have no personal experience with that genre of paralegaling. Just ask any senior paralegal with 25+ years of experience and they’ll tell you all the fun and interesting tales related to the days of carbon paper past. May those thin, black sheets of finger staining tissue paper rest in peace.

The true story of George the paralegal

OMG…this search has landed people on our blog at least 10 times over the past month or so. Who in the heck is this George fella? Really? If you figure it out, please let me know. I’m dying here. George? You out there? What’s your story? And why in the world are all these people searching for you???

What challenges does a paralegal face?

Hmmmm…let’s see – there’s waking every day with a to do list that never seems to gets ta-done due to every possible perceived crisis, issue or phone call that seems to comes your way, as though you are a knight engaged in a duel…only the knight is you…and the sword is your super amazing intelligence, skills and legal aptitude, slaying problems like Morimoto slicing tuna tartar on the Iron Chef; aimlessly wandering and stressed out esquires asking why you didn’t provide them with a letter you never knew they needed despite your best telepathic efforts; typically an 8 hour work day (hopefully) with 12 hours worth of work piled up to the point that your office is starting to resemble the Library of Congress.

All in a day’s work! Did I miss anything?

Paralegal on call

You betcha!!! Only on days that end in “y”. We’re confident and sit perched and ready…available like a 911 dispatch operator, just waiting on the next call. Did I mention that I answer my inner office calls: “Help Desk”?

We’re paralegals! You ring…we bring.

That’s us.

Are paralegals dumb?

I have no idea who keeps searching for this…but the answer is no!

Paralegal fuzzy robe

What? A paralegal fuzzy robe???? What? You got me here. I’m stumped. I have absolutely no idea what in the world it is that you’re in search of with this one, Mr. Google searcher. Anyone know anything about a paralegal fuzzy robe? Is this used in place of the green jacket when one is inducted into the Paralegal Hall of Fame or something? Am I missing something here? Paralegal fuzzy robe. No clue. I’m speechless…and apparently in search of a robe.

Jobs for paralegal with no experience

From what we’re hearing these days, searching for a paralegal job with no experience is somewhat comparable to combing the woods of North Alaska in search of Big Foot. On a positive note, there is only one Big Foot and you only need to hear one “yes” to begin your big adventure in paralegal land! Just one – that’s it. All you need is one. May you fondly pay mental homage to Big Foot during your next job interview!

Corporate paralegal to do when not busy

Huh? Not busy? We’re throwing the oxymoron card on this one! We know a lot of corporate paralegals all across the country and they’re about as busy as a one-legged man in a butt kicking contest! During any down time, we’d suggest taking a few deep breaths to prepare for the next wave of crazy!

Are we missing something here, corporate paralegals??? You’re busy right?

Poor paralegal

Clearly an individual who did not adequately learn, grow, rise to challenges, excel, and conquer the legal mountain; newbies, let me assure you – good paralegals are not poor! Good paralegal = good pay check. If that’s not the case, you’re doing something wrong!

Clothing + paralegal

Yes!

Sure hope you figured that one out before that big job interview.

In summary…Clothing + paralegal = yes!

Do you have to have typing skills to be a paralegal

Nope. The pleadings just magically type themselves. Really. Amazing isn’t it???? If you find any of that magic, pleading typing, fairy dust lying around…please send a bottle my way!

Okay, in all seriousness the answer is an astounding:

Yes2,000,000. Yes, you must have typing skills to be a paralegal. (See…I just typed that…) I’m a paralegal.

To do list for paralegals

About as long as Santa’s…and you better believe we don’t list each and every little thing we actually have to do on that to do list…or we would all surely be overcome with either a full-blown, stage-4 panic attack or undoubtedly be sued by those caring folks interested in protecting the integrity of the rain forests we would single handedly level with our legal laundry lists. It would surely send us all clamoring onto our window ledges. Here’s the thing: the to-do list is L-O-N-G and never done. Once you resign yourself to this “fact” (and it is a fact), things go a lot more smoothly in the land of legal.

Keep it real, Santa!

What stands between you and what you want

Good question. Unfortunately, not one that we can answer for you! What is it? Lack of ambition, knowledge, career skills, opportunities, confidence, education, connections, intelligence, motivation and/or desire? You tell us! We have no idea what’s standing between you and what you want, but chances are, it’s something on that list.

Like Robert Frost said: “The best way out is always through.”

Everything you need to know about being a paralegal

We sure wish we could answer that one for you in one impressive line of text. Unfortunately, it’s a little more complicated than that. You have to read books, read blogs, listen to instructors, talk to lots of smart attorneys, talk to a lot of smart paralegals, attend seminars, webinars and workshops, embrace Google like a long lost sibling, and embark on a life long journey of growth and learning. It never ends in the paralegal world…at least not if you’re doing it right, it doesn’t.

“Window office” paralegal

Ahhh…the land of windows and sunshine…every paralegal’s dream. It does happen. However, if they opened, we might occasionally feel inclined to leap out of them…therefore…they typically don’t…open that is…and this prevents the window-officed paralegals from doing the paralegal swan dive in a moment of utter chaos. Good move, law firms! And good luck getting that window office, paralegals!

Mission statement for a paralegal

Let’s see …don’t miss a statute of limitations, don’t miss the deadline for request for admissions, answers, summary judgment motions or other important deadlines, make sure your attorney is always where he is supposed to be, when he’s supposed to be there, never lie about progress made on a file or task (never…it will kill your credibility…don’t do it!), conduct yourself as a consummate professional at all times, and steer clear of the cancer in your office (those dark clouds a/k/a keepers of the misery) as best as you can. Yep – the secret to remaining gainfully employed, and you heard it here, folks!

Okay, well, there is much more involved than that, but you get the idea. Pretty darn comprehensive considering we’re responding to a search term here…

How to become a senior paralegal

Well, you get your first paralegal job, and then you work some more…and some more…and some more…and finally…one day, you’ve worked so many “mores” that you become a full-fledged, senior paralegal. Pretty cool, right? Hey, you might even get one of those coveted offices with a window…that doesn’t open! We’ll chalk that up to “living the dream.”

Ignore passive aggressive person

OMG…best of luck on that one…and we mean that in all sincerity. Trust us – we all try to ignore a passive aggressive person each and every day of our paralegal lives…and it ain’t easy! We highly recommend ear plugs, blinders, an on-call masseuse, therapeutic music, and aromatherapy candles for your office…with the window that won’t open. Just stay in your area/office while the dark clouds (a/k/a keepers of the misery) loom. (That’s what the blinders and ear plugs are for, people…you’re gonna need ‘em!) Hey, maybe that’s actually the real reason why those windows don’t open after all…it’s not us they’re worried about going out the windows…it’s the negative, annoying and scantily clad among us! We’re with ya now!

Kudos on your incredible foresight, attorneys.

Wanted paralegal

Are we talking…you want a paralegal here? Or like Jesse James poster with a reward offered kind of wanted? I have no idea. If you’re an attorney or human resource professional, you may want to resort to more helpful hiring resources, such as job boards, classified ads and LinkedIn. Just sayin’. I’m guessing 20 paralegals didn’t come beating down your door over this one, Mr. HR representative.

Best of luck in finding your “wanted” paralegal!

We’ll see you on “Mentorship Monday” when we’ll unveil our big 1st Place Winner! You don’t want to miss it. Then on Wednesday, we’ll be featuring a very exciting piece. I’d love to tell you what it’s about, but I’m just too giddy with excitement!

Bask in your weekend, TPSers! We’ll see you next week.

It’s gonna be a great one…